The world’s media is in mourning today following an announcement by Buckingham Palace confirming Prince Phillip, husband and consort of Queen Elizabeth II, had not died in the early hours of this morning at the age of 96. Emotional scenes were witnessed across England as the news broke, with many reporters being reduced to tears upon learning that the story of the year had been taken from them so suddenly.
Staff within the royal palace report that the Queen is distraught, having already begun to enjoy the idea of being the most eligible bachelorette on the planet, even going so far as to set up an Ok-Cupid profile, quizzing staff about whether “self employed mother” or “Queen of 32 independent nation states” was more dateable.
The Queen was also said to have already commissioned a new portrait for her profile picture, though sources say Her Majesty eventually decided to go with a 1958 postage stamp, stating “I prefer the lighting in this one”.
Experts say Phillip would have been remembered as a “colourful character” with eulogies focusing on his sense of humour and service, in a respectful attempt to tip toe around the racism and womanizing that Phillip had been entirely defined by in life. “It’s such a shame” said one reporter standing outside Buckingham palace, “I was already beginning to warm to the old sexist pig, and was really thinking what a pity it was to lose him. But now that it turns out he’s still kicking, it’s really taken all the sheen of that nostalgic clemency. Kinda wish the old dinosaur would just go die in a ditch.”
Phillip would have been survived by his son Charles, his second, third and fourth families in Wales, and his single biological grandchild Prince William.