The Daily Telegraph has been saved from the brink of financial ruin today as frantic shoppers bought up the paper in droves in an attempt to stock up on toilet paper in the wake of a coronavirus outbreak.
“These 12 issues of the Telegraph should cover us for about eight weeks of bathroom needs,” said local shopper Ricky Rick McRickson, “oh wait, damn look at this, it’s all already been used!? Wait no, that’s just the journalism, nevermind.”
However, the paper has been met with accusations of inflating the threat of coronavirus in order to increase sales, with overly sensational headlines sending the public into a panic. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said lead Telegraph editor Mindy McName, “I think our headline ‘You’re all going to die, flee the country now you fools’ appropriately captured the danger of a situation where 20 people across an entire country have felt a bit sick. Would you rather have us run headlines where we just state the facts and try to keep everyone calm? What good would that do?”
Asked whether they would be applying the same level of coverage to the equally pressing issue of climate change, the Telegraph said they had never heard of such a thing, and instead they would be devoting all their reporting power towards covering the much more serious threat of unisex toilets.